Dear Diary,
Last week, we went camping for one night with our one-year-old. And this is how it went:
9am: Spontaneously decide to go camping for just the one night, ‘but two whole days’.
9.30am: Start popping a few essentials in the car.
2pm: Finish packing. Wonder if the car is going to get over the speed bumps with the several tonnes of camping equipment on board.
2.15pm: On the road!
2.25pm: Back home, forgotten teddy.
2.30pm: On the road, take two!
2.40pm: Feel free-spirited and self-satisfied, hand dangling out the window, got this family life thing down to a tea.
2.45pm: Frantically twist round in the passenger seat to try to stop the tent poles falling on the toddler/drip-feed snacks to avert meltdown.
3.30pm: Arrive at campsite.
3.45pm: Put tent up. Nearly get divorced over lack of instructions and pegs. Set up sleeping arrangements; give toddler all roll mats and extra blankets.
4.30pm: Campsite is finally set up – head down to the beach to enjoy the first ‘full day’ of our mini holiday.
5.30pm: Bring soaking wet and hangry toddler back to campsite for a picnic dinner. Lament lack of high chair. Get toddler into sixth change of clothes of the day. Crack open a warm beer.
6.30pm: Let toddler roam free in the great outdoors constantly chase toddler away from campsite hazards, and out of the way of oncoming vehicles.
7.30pm: Walk around campsite for an hour to rock overexcited toddler to sleep.
8.30pm: Settle sleeping babe into her nest of blankets, take a picture to prove what a pro camper she is.
8.45pm: Light barbecue to cook adult dinner. Glare at anyone who walks past our tent who is talking above a whisper.
10pm: Start cooking adult dinner. Drink more warm beer. Watch epic sunset and comment on how peaceful camping is.
10.30pm: Eat adult dinner by the light of a single head torch. Argue over who gets to wear the head torch and who gets to be blinded by it.
11pm: Put dirty dishes in the car to do in the morning. Settle down on bare ground sheet next to sleeping toddler. Think wistfully about mattresses.
11.30pm: Shush crying toddler back to sleep after dog barks. Curse dog. Feel slightly guilty towards other campers.
2am: Shush crying toddler back to sleep after owl hoots. Curse owl. Feel very guilty towards other campers. Feel vaguely murderous towards snoring husband.
5am: Awaken to bright sunlight and happily babbling toddler. Curse sun.
5.10am: Find slug on glasses. Suppress urge to vomit/try to stop toddler from eating slug.
6am: Extricate increasingly noisy toddler from tent, walk around beach for an hour to stop her waking up the whole campsite.
7am: Return to campsite, light barbecue for breakfast, come up with genius idea to boil water on newly lit coals. Alternate between hushing toddler and loudly admonishing her for coming too close to the barbecue.
7.30am: Overcome murderous feelings towards snoring husband to bring him coffee in bed. Realise too late that boiling water on coals before they turn white makes the coffee taste like liquid coal. Silently dare husband to complain.
8am: Bitterly regret not doing the washing up the night before; car smells like a dustbin and no clean cooking utensils. Gratefully allow husband to take over breakfast and washing up efforts.
8.30am: Demolish epic bacon and egg sandwich and a steaming coffee that tastes like actual coffee. Reflect that food always tastes twice as good outside, we should go camping more often.
9.30am: Toddler realises she has been up since 5am and crashes hard. Husband walks around the campsite for an hour to rock her to sleep.
10.30am: Enjoy a blissful hour of reading and relaxing while she naps. Contemplate whether it is acceptable to crack a beer at this time of day.
Midday: Watch toddler smear her lunch all over the picnic rug. Google travel highchairs. Start taking tent down and packing up campsite. Find the spare packet of pegs at the bottom of the tent bag. Decide not to mention this to husband.
3pm: Finish packing up the car. Wonder how we have more stuff than we arrived with.
3.30pm: Hit the beach for second ‘full day’ of mini holiday. Make hundreds of sandcastles for toddler to destroy while husband gets his surfing fix. Get toddler into tenth change of clothes after paddling mishap.
5pm: Hit the road for the homeward journey, so that toddler’s dinner/bath/bed schedule isn’t interrupted too much. She falls asleep in car anyway.
6pm: Arrive home and spend 3 hours unloading car. Constantly do laundry for the next 4 days.
10pm: Collapse exhaustedly into bed. Comment on how we miss the sounds of nature. Carefully avoid the subjects of coffee and tent pegs.
Footnote: we are planning a three day camping trip this week….
Life Of The Bear's Wife 